Well............. :| .........................HA!
I went into this weekend, my 1st Women's Retreat, with this motto: "I'm going for my friend and team director because she was one of the speakers." I was going to support her, to help lift her up, to help pray for her .... to be there for my friend.
I'm not a retreat type of person, so I really wasn't looking forward to the hard beds and the no sleep and no privacy....I really was going for my friend.
Ha.....boy was I wrong!
Now I'm still not a retreat person....I really don't like the hard beds, the no bathroom privacy....etc....and that's ok. I sat though, and analyzed myself. Why? Why is all of that such a big deal for 1 weekend. Oh that's right....I live in a very small bubble that I surround myself with. I don't step out of that bubble or comfort zone often. I like it that way.
Now when I was younger, I went on mission trips and retreats a lot. It was fun. Why was it fun then and not now? Well....let's analyze this:
- you get away from your parents....FREEEEEEEDOM!!!!
- you get away from your parents with all your friends.....NICE!
- you get away from your parents, with all your friends and you're young and vital ....you could sleep on the concrete floor in a cardboard box if someone said you got to get away from your parents with all your friends.
:)
Now....I'm older. I'm way more set in my ways. I've got a family that I'm ABSOLUTELY in love with. I didn't look at this as a chance for FREEEEEEEDOM.....I missed them. I missed watching Brody play ball. I missed doing Raina's hair and picking out her dress for church. I missed sleeping next to my best friend (in my extremely comfortable bed).
Now again...don't get me wrong. I ADORED the time I had with my cabin mates. I loved the down time to talk and to get to know each of them better. I cherish our 5 hours on Saturday sitting in our beds, eating our snacks and drinks and just talking about anything and everything under the sun. It was awesome.
I loved hearing the testimony's, the prayer mosaic....I loved the Retreat.....but I was so conflicted. I went in going to hear my friend...I wasn't going to get a dang thing out of this weekend but be a good friend and I dang cried all weekend! That was NOT part of the plan!
I learned a thing or 2 about myself this weekend. I am a control freak. I am....I said it. I drove myself BY myself all the way to Tyler so I didn't feel trapped...like if I had to leave I could. This weekend....I was completely out of control and it left me feeling so very vulnerable. Not a fan of feeling that way. HA! I like to have a plan...I like to follow that plan. I had no idea what we were doing this weekend from 1 minute to the next. AAAAA!!!! That's not fun!
I also realized and recognized I go into EVERYTHING kicking and screaming and almost 95% of the time come out on the other side having enjoyed it. Michael is a very large contributor to that. He's my cheerleader getting me through it. He's the one pushing me from behind. He's the one telling me I can do it. He wasn't there this weekend to encourage and to push. I felt lost. I came to realize how much I depend on him to get me through this funny thing called life and then became VERY thankful for him. How perfect he is for me in not only this way, but in all ways.
In our cabin talks and different conversations with people through the weekend...I realized that Michael and I have a very unique relationship that not everyone, even though they have wonderful and great relationships too, has. He is amazing. He gives me butterflies every time he kisses me, even all these years later. All my stress and worries really do melt with one of his hugs. We really don't have many arguments or fights. We tend to see eye to eye or are on the same page a lot. Now we do fight...come one...do you know me... ;) BUT....I learned....if we ever come to a time where it's not like this....he is always worth fighting for. What we have is worth fighting for. Always. I adore him....and I really missed him this weekend but came back to him with a new appreciation for everything he does.
I'm not sure I've expressed on here....but I asked Michael for another baby. At 1st I was kinda kidding...testing the waters. He instantly said no. Then in talks with friends, it would come up and he again would always say no. Now you're all wondering...obviously I went through the hysterectomy a couple years ago...there's no plumbing there but....I have all these amazing friends adopting all these beautiful babies. Why couldn't we?! It was a thought bouncing around in my head. I love me some babies. But what am I going to do, adopt another when they get to the not baby phase again. HA...no.
Then I have the other side of it. We have a plan. We have a handshake. We are dropping our kiddos off at their dorms in the very same year and same time (God willing) and we are treating ourselves to a trip to Italy. We shook on this when my hysterectomy came about. We were done. We have our amazing boy and our precious girl. We will raise these kids and love on them and educate them in knowledge and in Christ and God willing we will get them off to college for them to have the experience of a lifetime. Then I get to date my husband again. It gets to be just me and him. We get to go where we want, do what we want....it's just us again. Some people don't like this phase...they don't know what to do with each other....I'm REALLY excited about this. I love the stolen moments I get now with him.
Why change the plan?
I talked it out this weekend with friends...I still had the little ache inside. I'll give this to the Lord. It's his. If we are EVER meant to have a baby....we will have one. There's just not an argument to that. If he put this wonderful man and precious family in my life and it is enough...then it will be...there's no argument. I trust his path for us.
Life is funny right now....the kids are in funky phases and it gets kinda tiring some days. I realized that I did enjoy my short time away from the constant tantrums, questions, bickering, whining and fighting that has surrounded us the last couple weeks. Gotta love phases. It hasn't been awful, but it hasn't been fun and I've lost my temper on more than 1 occasion. Coming home yesterday though and being greeting in the garage with hugs and kisses and then almost instantly falling back into the constant talking over each other, arguing because Brody wanted to tell me first and Raina crosses her arms and pouts..... I just looked at Michael and smiled.
This is my life, I get the amazing opportunity to live this life and be their Mommy and be his wife.....and I love it!
I went into this weekend, my 1st Women's Retreat, with this motto: "I'm going for my friend and team director because she was one of the speakers." I was going to support her, to help lift her up, to help pray for her .... to be there for my friend.
I'm not a retreat type of person, so I really wasn't looking forward to the hard beds and the no sleep and no privacy....I really was going for my friend.
Ha.....boy was I wrong!
Now I'm still not a retreat person....I really don't like the hard beds, the no bathroom privacy....etc....and that's ok. I sat though, and analyzed myself. Why? Why is all of that such a big deal for 1 weekend. Oh that's right....I live in a very small bubble that I surround myself with. I don't step out of that bubble or comfort zone often. I like it that way.
Now when I was younger, I went on mission trips and retreats a lot. It was fun. Why was it fun then and not now? Well....let's analyze this:
- you get away from your parents....FREEEEEEEDOM!!!!
- you get away from your parents with all your friends.....NICE!
- you get away from your parents, with all your friends and you're young and vital ....you could sleep on the concrete floor in a cardboard box if someone said you got to get away from your parents with all your friends.
:)
Now....I'm older. I'm way more set in my ways. I've got a family that I'm ABSOLUTELY in love with. I didn't look at this as a chance for FREEEEEEEDOM.....I missed them. I missed watching Brody play ball. I missed doing Raina's hair and picking out her dress for church. I missed sleeping next to my best friend (in my extremely comfortable bed).
Now again...don't get me wrong. I ADORED the time I had with my cabin mates. I loved the down time to talk and to get to know each of them better. I cherish our 5 hours on Saturday sitting in our beds, eating our snacks and drinks and just talking about anything and everything under the sun. It was awesome.
I loved hearing the testimony's, the prayer mosaic....I loved the Retreat.....but I was so conflicted. I went in going to hear my friend...I wasn't going to get a dang thing out of this weekend but be a good friend and I dang cried all weekend! That was NOT part of the plan!
I learned a thing or 2 about myself this weekend. I am a control freak. I am....I said it. I drove myself BY myself all the way to Tyler so I didn't feel trapped...like if I had to leave I could. This weekend....I was completely out of control and it left me feeling so very vulnerable. Not a fan of feeling that way. HA! I like to have a plan...I like to follow that plan. I had no idea what we were doing this weekend from 1 minute to the next. AAAAA!!!! That's not fun!
I also realized and recognized I go into EVERYTHING kicking and screaming and almost 95% of the time come out on the other side having enjoyed it. Michael is a very large contributor to that. He's my cheerleader getting me through it. He's the one pushing me from behind. He's the one telling me I can do it. He wasn't there this weekend to encourage and to push. I felt lost. I came to realize how much I depend on him to get me through this funny thing called life and then became VERY thankful for him. How perfect he is for me in not only this way, but in all ways.
In our cabin talks and different conversations with people through the weekend...I realized that Michael and I have a very unique relationship that not everyone, even though they have wonderful and great relationships too, has. He is amazing. He gives me butterflies every time he kisses me, even all these years later. All my stress and worries really do melt with one of his hugs. We really don't have many arguments or fights. We tend to see eye to eye or are on the same page a lot. Now we do fight...come one...do you know me... ;) BUT....I learned....if we ever come to a time where it's not like this....he is always worth fighting for. What we have is worth fighting for. Always. I adore him....and I really missed him this weekend but came back to him with a new appreciation for everything he does.
I'm not sure I've expressed on here....but I asked Michael for another baby. At 1st I was kinda kidding...testing the waters. He instantly said no. Then in talks with friends, it would come up and he again would always say no. Now you're all wondering...obviously I went through the hysterectomy a couple years ago...there's no plumbing there but....I have all these amazing friends adopting all these beautiful babies. Why couldn't we?! It was a thought bouncing around in my head. I love me some babies. But what am I going to do, adopt another when they get to the not baby phase again. HA...no.
Then I have the other side of it. We have a plan. We have a handshake. We are dropping our kiddos off at their dorms in the very same year and same time (God willing) and we are treating ourselves to a trip to Italy. We shook on this when my hysterectomy came about. We were done. We have our amazing boy and our precious girl. We will raise these kids and love on them and educate them in knowledge and in Christ and God willing we will get them off to college for them to have the experience of a lifetime. Then I get to date my husband again. It gets to be just me and him. We get to go where we want, do what we want....it's just us again. Some people don't like this phase...they don't know what to do with each other....I'm REALLY excited about this. I love the stolen moments I get now with him.
Why change the plan?
I talked it out this weekend with friends...I still had the little ache inside. I'll give this to the Lord. It's his. If we are EVER meant to have a baby....we will have one. There's just not an argument to that. If he put this wonderful man and precious family in my life and it is enough...then it will be...there's no argument. I trust his path for us.
Life is funny right now....the kids are in funky phases and it gets kinda tiring some days. I realized that I did enjoy my short time away from the constant tantrums, questions, bickering, whining and fighting that has surrounded us the last couple weeks. Gotta love phases. It hasn't been awful, but it hasn't been fun and I've lost my temper on more than 1 occasion. Coming home yesterday though and being greeting in the garage with hugs and kisses and then almost instantly falling back into the constant talking over each other, arguing because Brody wanted to tell me first and Raina crosses her arms and pouts..... I just looked at Michael and smiled.
This is my life, I get the amazing opportunity to live this life and be their Mommy and be his wife.....and I love it!
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