The Braces Chapter......

The end date has been sneaking up on me.  I've been swallowing the enormity of my journey for a while now trying somehow put into words.....my feelings.

Tomorrow morning at 9:00 I go into the orthodontist to FINALLY and for the last time in my life....it's been 3 now...remove my braces and bring to an end an amazingly long and crazy chapter of my life.

I've tried so many times to put into words how I'm feeling.  I cry every time.  I'm not sure I'll have the words this time, but I'm a visual person....so I'm going that route.  Bear with me.

 From a very young age....you can clearly see that I have an underbite.  But my parents were led to believe it was nothing more than that.  

 As the years go on, the "Jayme Smile" is established.  Lots of bottom teeth and a tongue peeking through.

Then I started losing teeth and things just only seem to progress faster.

So at 14 my parents put me in orthodontics.  First I had an expander.  My pallet was so small that it required quite a bit of key turning, which at that time WAS NOT fun.  By my 8th grade end of year performance I had a gap so wide in my front 2 teeth, I could put my pinky in it.  I was never so happy to get into braces.  That journey went a crazy direction.  My mouth, as we were told, was "special".  A lot of work, surgery and therapies were the only route I could go.  The headgear they created for me started dislocating my jaw, I had to have teeth pulled.  So when my Dad lost his job and we were forced to take the braces off...I was thankful for straighter teeth but was warned very clearly, "without correction, she will develop long term issues.".  No insurance means hands tied.  I had straight teeth and would have to check into it another time.

 My high school years were good.  I had my signature "Jayme Smile" with a big lower jaw and my tongue sticking through.

 I knew my mouth was special but I'd grown to accept my lisp, my smile and my big lower jaw.

Fast forward to 20 years old.  I'm old enough to put braces on myself through dental insurance.....so I do.  For a 2nd time, I go through braces.  My mistake was not having them get surgery approved before we put on the braces...because this time I was denied surgery.  Reason: considered cosmetic.  I didn't have a ortho at the time willing to fight the issue as hard as it needed so....we dropped it.  Again my teeth straightened up and I took them off and was faithful to my retainer.

 2nd time's a charm......

nope!

But I still have my signature "Jayme Smile"....it's mine, I own it.  I got made fun of my whole life for my tongue always being in pictures or my little teeth....but it was mine.  It was comfortable.


I married Michael and life was going on smoothly.  We had our twins and I went through many OTHER surgeries...HA!  Gallbladder, Hysterectomy, and then lots and lots of ER trips.  My stomach started very shortly after childbirth just went nutzo.  Spasms, crazy pain, trouble with travel, trouble with anxiety, migraines.  Lots and lots of ER trips.

 "Signature Smile"

.....and then 1 day......I was eating apple chips....and my tooth broke.   .......apple chips......

All this started AGAIN because I broke a tooth on apple chips.   ....so stinkin' silly that this sentence makes me start crying....HA!

I go to the dentist, he puts on crowns and does root canals and I'm having to go every 3 months.  He recommends a surgeon.  Surgeon is on board.  Surgeon fights for me.  Surgery is approved.  Surgeon recommends ortho.  Ortho is met. Braces go on............again.  

I'm in braces for exactly 10 months before I go into surgery.  A surgery with very known risks.  A surgery that HAD I been paying attention, should have terrified me, but the Lord put some pretty big blinders on me.  ME, not Michael or my Momma but me.  I've said a million times since surgery, if I would have known all of this, "I wouldn't have done it".  

 Once out of recovery.  I kept this little guard on most of my stay, it was like a humidifier and helped so much in breathing.

 Thinking this was middle of the night after surgery.  I'd been so drugged and was kinda alert for the 1st time.  All I remember is the really bad dreams I was having because of the pain meds.  Being worried that my Mom was uncomfortable and sleeping in a chair.  I was wondering if the kids were ok.  I was worried Michael was worried.  

Always gotta be me...no matter the situation.

The next 6 days are the hardest and most trying days of my life.  I've had surgeries, I've given birth to twins naturally, I've experienced great loss.  NOTHING has compared to these 6 days.  I can look back now and say with great assurance, this was THE sweetest time I could have ever had with the Lord.  Not much to do when you can't talk, you don't have the energy to do much but lay still and pray through all the pain spells, facial migraines and doubt that you're going to get through the next hour much less the day.  

These 6 days consist of opiate issues of my GI track.  Drinking and eating everything through a syringe pushed back in the back of my throat.  Gagging.  Everything tasting like a spoon of salt was being poured on my tongue.  Gagging.  Crying.  Moaning.  Not tolerating any pain med, gagging through every dose.  Coughing up blood clots that were put in my sinuses to help with bleeding.  Being wired shut with a splint...so when you gagged or coughed up blood....you felt like you were dying.  Constantly gasping for air and going into an anxiety induced attack.  Those 6 days SUCKED!

Day 6 I go in to post op.  The whole car ride there, I'm feeling probably the lousiest I ever could.  I know the whole way there I'm going to have Mom drive me to an ER for an IV after the appointment.  I feel THAT bad.  All I can think is....I'm going to pass out or die or both.......and then he puts up these Xrays....

I break into tears.  I'm so tired, I'm in so much pain, I'm so defeated.  I don't know if my Surgeon ever had that reaction.  But I cried.  I REALLY cried.  All of a sudden I have a new life breathed into me.  I can look back and see how every single day was only "gotten through" because of the Lord's strength and definitely not my own.

Each day since has brought about it's own challenges.  My chin, bottom lip and some teeth have not come back to life.  Having a "dead" face/mouth brings it own challenges.  It might be dead, but the nerves are trying very hard to re-fire and THAT hurts.  Teeth cleanings, ortho appointments, brushing my teeth.....torturous!  Eating....learning how to eat with the correct mouth instead of coping through a bad one.  Relearning is not always easy.  Talking.  Slobbering.  Spitting. Constantly being told I have something on my chin....because I can't feel it.  

Learning to like / accept this new smile / face.  ....this is very real.  This might be the reason I'm writing this blog to begin with.  

I had a "Signature Smile"....without a doubt....that was MY smile.  I changed it.  And I know I have seen it every day since surgery and I see the differences, I've really struggled with them.  When it comes down to it though....I don't know what it looks like.  There is SO MUCH CRAP in my mouth....brackets, 8 bands, tie ins, hooks, power chains, heaviest wires they have.  I mean...I wish it was cute little braces...nope...I have more metal in my mouth than you could ever imagine.  It's kinda hard to remember back to when I didn't or imagine what my teeth will look like without it all.

 This is what I dreamed they'd look like....

NOPE....metal. mouth!

 I'm closing this chapter tomorrow.  Tomorrow I'll have a new smile and new pictures and might actually smile with my mouth open again....HA!  Pray for my heart and for my emotions and anxiety tomorrow.  This feels so silly to be emotional about....but....I've kinda been through a WHOOOOOOOOLE lot.  Tomorrow I will thank the Lord for the blessings this journey has brought.  I will find Joy in the journey.  I will praise sweet baby Jesus that I get to turn the page.